Ok so clearly i woke up on the wrong side of the bed had awful dreams of the future that doesn't need to happen, I know that most of what you do is for your business but there has to be some balance with all responsibilities juggled and taken care of. And Kai is a major one and the most fun R word. The only other truly important one I'd say. So we need a sit down with a calendar and a book of rules guidelines and expectations for all involved . If you guys are for real forever like you say you are then this is just as much Bridget's concern as it is yours. Kai and the cat box are so fucking not the same. You can choose to get rid of cats.

Dear other parents,
Andre having Kai every three weeks whenever he wants to isn't going to fly with me anymore it will be every other weekend and once during the week or i guess we can go to court to set up visitation we saw him just as much living in parrish but now he knows and misses Sick of da da da da all the fucking time pretty much seeing the future of him being disappointed by not seeing you both regularly and its only going to get harder if you two aren't regular people in his life. I told andre when he first said he wanted to be involved that yes he so could as long as he was going to be a positive constant...? I get it your busy you guys are doing things that are very important i don't care about those things I care about you and he making Kai fit in your lives shit has got to Change!
Truly,
-fed the heck up

The Sun...

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

a dream.

monday, dec, 7th, 2009

I've just waken from the strangest of dreams. I was in a bar with B, my now "Ex" girlfriend, who though we are now "broken up", we have still been seeing eachother on twice a week basis, mainly for sex. We are also in daily communication because we run a business together.

To set the stage for this dream, a bit further explanation is required. We has gone on a date last night to see the Trans-siberian orchestra; and for the record, I had no interest in going. I'm not really a huge fan of christmas songs, especially the really self important dramatic ones. I'm more of a "baby It's cold outside", and "let it snow" kind of guy. Also, I'm not a fan of hair band metal music. Furthermore, if i'm going to listen to orchestral music, I want them to be playing classical pieces, even if they are modern compositions, let them at least be in the classical style. Anyway, point here is that the combination of these things that in my opinion are awful, were in fact proven to be exponentially awful in combination.

The dream...

We were in a bar, where it was apparent that I was not acting as her boyfriend. I was going around talking with people, as I often do at bars, and she was sitting at the bar in misery; which is not far from how it is normally. I interact with anybody who comes into contact with me; it's just my nature. I inherited it from my grandma, who will and has on many occasion, just sit down at a stranger's dinner table and ask them for a slice of their pizza because it "looks so delcious", to which one of two things will inevedibly happen; they will be in shock, and at the end of the night be be not be able to stop talking the cutest nicest nuttiest little old lady the met who came up to them and asked them for a slice of pizza, or they will be in shock, and at the end of the night be talking about how horribly offended they were at the audacity of some little old lady who asked them for a slice of pizza while they were minding their own business at dinner.

For example, at the perkin's later that night, B and I were tired, and had sat down quietly at a table off to the corner, but as they seem to at every restaurant, they sat a trio of boisterous post 2am bar goers right next to us, even thought there were literally 95% of the other tables available. After, three minutes of them laughing histerically I stood and grabed our drinks and place settings to leave, but in pure grandma fashion, I ended up having a three minute conversation with them, and the waitress, starting with, "hey so we got to move to the other table cause we're super tired, but I don't want you guys to feel like you're offending us, I'm loving your vibes, we're just at the end of a long night and need a romantic quiet corner to coo." And as the course pars, they were shocked, then not sure what to do, and the waitress did the same, when posed with a incredulous smile about the placing of guests right next to eachother in an otherwise empty restaurant. This time, the waitress came over and said, "that was the best way I've ever seen anyone handle that situation!" I'm sure that in other times, I have ingested waitress spit.

It's pretty much to the absolute joy, or utter dismay of others; that's just how we're wired, me and my granny. But as fantastic as my grandma is let's not deny what this is not about my grandmother, and that that last rant was simply a stalling device for me not to continue telling the story about my dream. This dream that has been haunting me this cloudy morning.

B comes in and brings me a chai as I write this, I don't want her to see me writing, it's the only place where I demand privacy. "Not without my permission!" Yes, I slept at her place last night, no I didn't really want to, no, I didn't mind it, yes, we slept together, but no it wasn't at her place. It was in the back of her SUV, in the parking lot of the concert from which we left an hour into. It wasn't as bad as the concert, but the novelty and excitement of public indecency while on probation didn't much mask that afterward, I regretted the experience. I did not tell B that though. I stuck to conversation about how bad the conceert was; but it was all bad, from the food we ate on our way, (an Arby's beef and cheddar, "gross!") to the $14 dollar drinks we got there, to the karaoke at the bar we went to afterward in st. pete. Last night was entirely about making the best of and smiling through an awful string of events, and this morning, about making sense of what that means to me.

I did not mind the taste of the hot sauce on the aweful but delicious steak quesadilla eggs bennedict at Perkin's last night. I do mind however the effects it had on my digestive system this morning. You can thank me for taking the high road here with my description. no nevermind, it litterally burns my ass! I just can't do it anymore. I don't know what happened to me, and it actually took me a year to realize it, but eating spicy food makes my poo irritate my butthole. So, now if I put that tabasco on or my favorite, chalula, mmmm, I can make the plans for the next day or so to be in pain.

That's kind of how it's become with this relationship.

Like I didn't realize what was causing my ass to hurt at first, I just bought some preperation H ointment and put it on. But then it started happening more frequently, and I was like, "Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me!" Well, like I said before, B and I are officailly broken up, I now even have my own place, and so I'm no longer eating eggs every morning like we had for so long. Guess what? no more asshole burn, (I swear I thought I was getting hemmeroids), but I had no clue, I had just grown accustomed to eating eggs in the morning, and I then I grew accostumed to putting hot sauce on them because lets face it, eggs can get boring. So on this exodus from daily eggs, I then ate something and put hot sauce on it...next day... Bam! pain! "Ahaaaah" I said, so that's it! So obvoius really, but noticing things about one's body is such an often underdeveloped skill. So often we just ignore our body/mind/emotion's signs, or worse cover them up... but this is a very important topic for another time.

so about my ass, and this dream...

Oh dear where am I? I really have to get to work, and I've been at this for two hours now so, I'm just going to put it down and analyse later. No more stalling.

So we're at a bar, and B's doing her normal reserved thing, I'm doing mine, but it's exaggerated versions. I'm all over the place, and she's sitting there entirely caved in. Finally she breaks, and starts to look around and then at me and says in near tears, "I need love." and then a very beautiful italian young man from behind the bar looks at B, and they catch eyes. It's already getting foggy at this point for me but, I think that he may have said something to her or me that was rediculously poetic, to the effect of, "I'll take care of you, or, I can take her." Then I look at them and walk out the door of the bar as they begin to embrace. I stand there for a moment knowing that I could very well go back in there and take her out with me...

I turn around look back, then foward, then back again...

then I wake up.

I am entirely torn up inside, and It's not just the hot sauce.

define: awesome

AWESOME...

Definition: amazing

1. inspiring awe: an awesome sight.
2. showing or characterized by awe.
3. Slang. very impressive: That band is totally awesome.


Synonyms: alarming, astonishing, awe-inspiring, awful, beautiful, breathtaking, daunting, dreadful, exalted, fearful, fearsome, formidable, frantic, frightening, grand, hairy*, horrible, horrifying, imposing, impressive, intimidating, magnificent, majestic, mean, mind-blowing*, moving, nervous, overwhelming, real gone, shocking, something else, striking, stunning, stupefying, terrible, terrifying, wonderful, wondrous, zero cool

For the Record

In some teachings, it is said that there are beings who, from time to time, come down from the heavens; having already transcended, they manifest into the world, by their own choosing, to help others on the path to rise. They are called messiahs and botisatvas, angels and saints. They are born enlightened, sharing their illuminated wisdom to those they encounter from the day they are born until the day they die. I have pondered, in my most confident of moments, the notion of being one of these beings; but let me say for the record, I am definitely not...

However, there are those beings who, by chance, fall into the path of "becoming". They are the worlds saints in training, otherwise known as the garbage collectors of the universe. "And woe and grief to they who have it in embryo", no longer sitting in the blissful chair of sleeping blindness, but yet to claim the throne of awakened sight. They travel the painful, beautiful, amazing, path, on the road to nowhere.

I decided to take notes along the way.
Sometimes to help others learn, sometimes to help myself remember, but mostly, because a story is it's own excuse for being.